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a bit of writing i found

wrote this a little more than a year ago, yet it still feels fitting for how life has come so far

Feeling at a loss
I step up to my minds cellar door
Where I've locked away
Memories from a long time before
When life was wasy
Without finances and romances
No worries at all
Just homework and many chances

Memories of who I was
Of who, at times
I still might be
All locked away
Never to be lost
Nor to be freed
And though they exist
To remind me of those days
I curse them for being
I damn their existance
I wish I could forget
An easier time

I feel regret
For the hurt in those days
Young and foolish
Knew not the errors of my ways
Lies and heartache
And childish accusations
Mostly inner demons
Pushed on my relations

And now here I am
The product of of these fears
These damnations
Here I struggle while others
Truely
Suffer
And I still think
In all my arrogance
That I have it bad
So a lock the cellar door
Bar it and lose the key
So my tainted perception
Shall no longer be
So I only know these times
The past will be no more
And these days will be glorious
Without my cellar door

bad dream

anymore shit feels like a bad dream, i just wanna wake up and see that things are normal again, not the hell that my minds been the past few days. i hurt sooo bad, you say you need to get your life together, but the one whos been here thru your hells is the one you're pushing away, i dont understand, you even pulled the "you deserve better" line, i just dont want to feel right now....

ugh

thought i found a good thing this time, apparently it might disappear. im scared again, havent been for a while, but i feel like im fighting the inevitable, and now i understand what happened with my marriage a little better... i juts want to go back home to washington where things were easier again, i had my shit together out there, i thought coming out here would open doors and that was a naive decision. i just hope i can come out of this one sane....

falling apart

why is it every year around this time it feels like my world is falling apart
i cant pay my bills, i got no car insurance at the moment, im scared ill lose my car
i dont know what to do, im sick but i cant afford meds, im sooo scared
im back with jori which feels right, but everything else seems to be crumbling in my hands
if there is a god, i could really use a break right now.....

/wrists

every time i see her it gets worse than the last
the longing
the sorrow
the realization that ill never have her again
i usually deal with it well
but it was hard to not break down today in front of her
i wish it had never happened...
im glad i made it out here, made some good friends and shit
but at my hearts cost
god im fucking lonely....

serving

so i dont really hate my job, but it makes it REALLY hard not to when you have 5 stupid cunts who come in 30 minutes before close, run up a 120 dollar tab, split the checks and you only make 4 cents off the table...... i hope they get STD's

lost

in a rather lost state of mind atm, trying to find myself for the nth time. found a girl that makes me feel something im not sure i ever felt before, timing always sucks when something good happens. gotta love the struggle, reminds me im alive, keeps me on my toes, hopin itll let up a little bit one day, but not counting on it.

new poem

smoking
sucking in that sweet cancer
gasp for the last drag of sanity
smoking
breathing in a divine death
hoping for a semblance of clarity
smoking
caught in the wisps of these burning leaves
every ash a loss so dear
smoking
a last resort to reclaim
a second of life once serene
smoking
mourning the moment when
i grind that precious ember into nothingness
smoking
despose of the remains longing
for another filters kiss so sweet
smoking
better than any lovers caress
more faithful than a person could be
smoking
my one true love

i love my bank

ok, so this past paycheck, i overdrafted beforehand, a total of 110 bucks, then, after i got my paycheck, which after the overdraft bills, came to about 300 bucks, i lost my debit card, and 100 bucks went missing out of my account. all this, after paying bills and a trip to ozzfest, and a carton of cigs, put me in the hole by about 14 bucks. this was a week ago. after filing fraudulent charge claims, my bank telling me they could do nothing because other people knew my PIN number, and shit like that, i thought i was fucked until this upcoming thursday when i get payed. apparantly, my bank is awesome, because they gave me an extra $700 limit on my credit card, 100 of which went into my checking account due to my overdraft protection, keeping out of the whole and still funded. i repeat again, i love my bank

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black and white, caleb, noir
teh_grimness
Dirty Rotten Cuddle Slut, aka Caleb
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